Second Sex and the City

In my real life I fall under the realm of purdah sometimes, there are some things I am not allowed to discuss in public.  I have even received a verbal warning over my real life Facebook activities in the past from my employer.  That is why Mr Rosedale invented this metaverse, in a virtual world I can have freedom of speech without risking my real life pay check.  So, that is the reason why I write under my avatar name and not my real life name.  If I were called Jane Smith in real life I would probably feel somewhat differently but unfortunately my parents were not that considerate in naming me or my brother.  They were ahead of their time.

So, why have I been quiet of late after so much blogging?  It was self enforced virtual purdah.  I was hiding.  The realisation of how little my friendship meant to a certain person (Nietzsche) was not something that disappeared overnight and continues to be something I am unhappy about.  Primarily, because I now know the extent of what he was hiding from me and when I take the time to complete the jigsaw puzzle – I am not left with a pretty picture staring back at me.

But, there was another reason for my enforced virtual purdah.  I had very publicly declared I had feelings for someone in Second Life, someone who did not return those feelings and then, shortly after all of that, I began dating someone else.  Someone I am still dating.  I just felt as though I would be judged as desperately grabbing the first man who expressed an interest in me (a man of the same nationality).  That presented a whole new range of questions for me.  Having known this “new” man longer than Nietzsche – We shall call him Socrates for the purpose of this blog – I felt unprepared for possible raised eyebrows and the unavoidable comments about my “speedy” recovery.

So, let us get those questions out of the way now.  Does Socrates know about my blog?  Yes.  He read it before we got together, or should I say back together?  We dated once before, over a year ago.  Does he know Nietzsche?  I don’t think so, I haven’t discussed his avatar name with Socrates because to be honest, we don’t talk about him LOL but on reading the blog he said he couldn’t guess who it was.  Does Socrates mind if I blog about him?  He says I can blog about whatever I like, he believes in freedom of expression.  I think he would prefer it if I didn’t embarass him though.

I haven’t “gone public” about my new virtual relationship yet because we haven’t decided for ourselves what it is yet.  When something is unplanned it takes some adjustment.  But, everyone knows I don’t keep secrets and in the spirit of openness I am coming clean now … purdah has officially ended.

I know some people could classify what I write here as an overshare but I don’t really care.

I think the main point about my last blog post – Piece of Me – Was that I felt quite forlorn.  I felt everyone wanted a piece of me on that day, in real life.  Sometimes it can get that way in Second Life.  If you let it.  My blog posts are usually just a snapshot in time.  My real life has never been, or ever will be, a secret.  It is just not the main course on the menu.

This week, continuing to move on from my Second Life disappointment that was Nietzsche, I am making great strides to put all the bad feeling behind me and channel it into something positive.  I have accepted that I failed as far as he was concerned.  I am not someone that he considers worthy of time or respect.  Sometimes you just have to accept the shitstorm that Second Life deals you.  Why delude yourself?  If a relationship ends it is because you failed.  This crap about timing and a whole variety of other issues is just bullshit.  Boiled down to basics, Nietzsche wanted to get his rocks off without feeling he had to explain himself to me.  In fact, he wanted to lie about it.  If something is running that deeply inside a person, it is like a Cancer.  I voted for surgery and chemotherapy.  Kill poison, with poison.

So, in-world this week I had the dubious pleasure to run into a woman who felt the need to declare in open chat repeatedly how her real life partner did not match up to her Second Life partner.  She was proud of the fact they had met in real life.  My thoughts at the time, beyond “kill me now” were that I have never met such a sad individual in Second Life in all my 3 years in-world.  Harsh?  No, not really.  If you want out of your real life relationship, get a backbone and get the fuck out.  Don’t make a three act play out of it in a virtual world.  I have done it on more than one occasion.  Get a grip.  Shit happens.

As for meeting a man in Second Life who you can relate to, I suppose I am the worst person to talk to about it.  I think everyone lies right now.  I am currently languishing in my bitter and twisted phase.  I certainly think it is possible to make a connection, share a moment, but at the end of the day people drift in and out of your Second Life like ghosts.

Where is the meaning in that?

I am fully aware my recent, introspective blogging has raised eyebrows, made people feel uncomfortable and that many think I am nothing but a drama queen.  I don’t care.

I find that in-world I am frequently breaking the last taboo.  I freely admit that it is not possible to separate Second Life from Real Life unless you are an emotional cripple and that unnerves people.  I must be sad in RL right?  Well, aspects of my RL are bullshit that is true.  There is nothing like being a Bipolar Dyslexic with autism to make you want to sing songs of praise every morning on waking … not.  I don’t rise at 6am with the larks every day.  I wish those birds would shut the fuck up to be honest.  Dawn choruses give me a headache.  I rise from my rats nest after hitting snooze on the alarm clock five times and not getting to bed until well past the witching hour.  In RL I have a Philosophy degree, work full time for the government where people cry on me all day everyday.  They tell me every detail of their miserable lives, from their most recent suicide attempt to domestic violence.  Usually though, as September draws close I am thinking of the children.  The 7-year olds I take two days a term off RL work to spend time with.  We go on walks and talk to improve their English.  When I am not on Second Life I spend evenings and pre-work 8.15am meetings discussing the strategy of educating children.

Every month I tell myself I will take up martial arts (my ex was a Karate Black Belt and I fantasise about kicking his arse) but I never have the spare cash.  Maybe twice a month you can find me playing chicken running across the road opposite my dreary office block rushing to get to my lunchtime buddhist meditation with one of the girls from reception.  I live alone, about 45 minutes drive from any family and two train rides from my next of kin.  I never went to school here.  I found a job here after my first redundancy working for the police and made friends.  I met a man.  Friends came and went and the man turned out to be a psychopath but I was here, so I stayed.  I had nowhere else to go.  The psychopathic ex lives about a 15 minute bus ride away with his second wife and three children in the posh part of town.  My legal fees on my current home (conveniently located near to the male bail hostel and close to the day drug rehabilitiation centre) were paid for by my dying Aunt.  Shortly after that I logged on to Second Life for the first time.

The truth of my RL is that without a filofax and a handbag overflowing with crap I never actually look at it is not possible for me to navigate my day without disaster.  Once I got to work and realised I had put the television remote control in my handbag instead of my mobile phone.  I lose my mobile phone so often I have the number on speedial.  I enter the door code to the office toilets into my apartment block security system most days.  My family think I spread myself too thin but I don’t think I am without time.  I have not ironed a single item of clothing since 2007 (that’s what god invented tumble dryers for) and open my mail once a week (if it is urgent they can ring me).  So, that’s my RL.  No man there?  A few have tried, all have failed.

So, why did I choose to be so sad in Second Life this week?  I let my guard down and trusted someone who did not deserve that trust.  Dealing with disappointment is universal, there is no distinction between first and second life.  The only real difference is if you feel sad in Second Life it makes people feel uncomfortable and there is an expectation you will just mute them and move on.  There are obvious advantages to that method but it is just practising avoidance.  To really move on you need to own up to the fact you momentarily felt like shit and that you will never trust another living soul in Second Life again.

And, that is exactly what I did.

After my Virtual Integrity post (see the Blog page here), my friendship with the subject (let us give him a name… hmmm Nietzsche) ended today so I feel I can now be true to myself and give our relationship (for want of a better word) the goodbye it deserves with this obituary.

Nietzsche ended our friendship because of this : http://www.beingjosephina.blogspot.com/

Why didn’t I just tell him how I felt instead of posting it on my blog?  I have tried telling him directly for nearly 3 weeks now.  His story changes everytime I talk to him, in the end I didn’t know if I was coming, or going.  Nietzsche said I was making him tired – I know how he feels because he was doing exactly the same to me.  I knew this could be the potential outcome when I did what I did.  Obviously, I hoped not.  I’m not that cold, part of my problem is I am not cold enough.  Nietzsche chose his lie over our friendship and walked away.  So, why air my dirty linen in public?  I am performing a virtual exorcism.

Rewind back to three days ago and we reached a resolution of sorts.  We even talked about partnering.  I was relieved we had fixed things but even then he would not give me a direct answer to my direct question and that bothered me.  The way I saw it was, if our entire friendship is based on a lie and me keeping silent about how much that upsets me, we could not go forward.  I could have said nothing and chosen the easy life, stayed friends and maybe partnered him.  I have always been fairly anti partnering so the fact I was considering it was an indication of how much I trusted him.  Unfortunately, I am not a role player and I can’t live a lie.  I thought he felt enough for me to be honest, I was mistaken.

A friendship with censorship is no way to live and by refusing to come clean he was controlling me.  He told me it was none of my business, clearly the words of a true friend who cares about me.  Today I was told I would make a good mystery writer because I see lies in every sentence.  Only his sentences.
The only mystery to me is why he bothered spending time with me in the first place.  According to Nietzsche I should just accept him as he is, like he accepted me as I am after ending our friendship today?  I accept he was playing me.

I always hoped he would deny he lied and offer some kind of explanation which did not use mobile telephones as an analogy (I never got what he meant from that).  In a way he has denied lying in that he is accusing me of insulting him in IM and on my blog (shucks, he will be really insulted now) but has also refused point blank to discuss it.  This was never about acceptance.  It was about trust.  Looking back, all the warning signs were there but I chose to ignore them because I was deluded.  I trusted him enough to confide in him and he never once gave anything of himself.  To him, his avatar is just a number.

Is this revenge, spite or all the other criticisms Nietzsche has made of me today?  No, just a way to stop myself feeling sad. I’m not mean, just sick and tired of talking to a brick wall. To find out someone you cared about, values lies over your friendship is one of the worst betrayals there is.  Even if he came to me now (which he won’t as he ended our friendship) with an explanation I would listen, he is not muted.  I’m sounding this death knell so I can put this behind me.

So, Nietzsche told me I started this war.  True, I opened Pandoras Box but our entire friendship was a lie.  There was nowhere else we could go as friends.

I can’t deal with two faces when I only want one.  I want virtual reality, not virtual duality.

Goodbye numéro à quatre.  Enjoy your fake Second Life with friends who expect nothing from you, and your fake “joke” marriage.  The joke ultimately is on you because you lost me today.

Josephina XXX

I have been doing some thinking this past few days about when Second Life becomes Real Life.  The fact is there is no real distinction between the real “you” and the virtual “you” unless you are a role player.  Most people who want to keep the two worlds separate are married in real life and don’t want to have “the conversation” with people in Second Life.

So, what is my policy on Second Life vs. Real Life?  I don’t want to date anyone I meet in Second Life in Real Life, even though I am free to do so.  Why not?  I don’t want to date anyone in Real
Life, from any world.  That is the only distinction I make between the two worlds.

Dating in Second Life isn’t really an issue for me now either.  The only straight man I could stand has so far managed to extricate himself from every conversation I have instigated this week that involved feelings.  With hindsight, I never have really wanted to date in Second Life but for me to admit a grey area had creeped into my virtual existence was not because I wanted
to bolt a virtual wedding ring on his finger and march him up the aisle.  I told him what I would tell any friend.  It just happened to be about him.  A relationship, and that includes friendship, based on lies and dishonesty is not genuine.

So, I have been told this week I’m childish.  Isn’t everyone who plays Second Life a bit of a child?  We all want to be Peter Pan or Tinkerbell (I know a few men who want to be Tinkerbell…).  That said, I have levelled my own fair share of criticism at the man in question and I don’t think this will ever be fixed now.  Maybe this blog post is a bit of an obituary, but only he can decide where we end up.

If Real Life and Second Life are separate this would mean this argument ceases to exist when I step away from my computer and it means nothing.  If it means nothing, why are we arguing?
When I step away from my computer and someone has upset me in-world, I try to flick a switch.  Sometimes it works better than others.  I can’t keep two boxes side by side, one for Real Life and one for Second Life.  I’m not a box, I don’t have sides.

I have always believed my friendships in Second Life are, for the most part, real.  If they are real then on some level there are real feelings involved, it isn’t role play.  This means there is no distinction between the two worlds, only that some friends I may never meet in Real Life.

I admit I have muddied the waters this past two weeks by instigating a conversation about how I feel about someone in Second Life.  I don’t feel that is a bad thing, the only mistake I made was to do it with an emotionally unavailable man.

Date: 5 September 2010

By: Josephina Bonetto

Many moons ago a guy in SL once gave me a RL photograph out-of-the-blue.  I had not invited this upon myself.  He was, and still is, a nice guy, but the image I had of him in my head was gone forever at that moment.  I don’t consider myself to be a shallow person, I’m no Kate Moss/Naomi Campbell/Kelly Brook* (*Whatever floats your boat) in real life.  I don’t share photographs as a rule either, although I do make the exception if it is an old one for comedy value, but I tell them its old.

This leads me on to the first life/real life tab of peoples profiles… is it ever right to put a picture there?  The really pretty/attractive ones most people assume are googled images of a random stranger people have “borrowed” so the purpose is kind of lost if you are a bit of a looker in real life.  Most people look “normal”, but who wants normal in SL?

Primarily, it is about the fantasy, if people come here to escape they don’t want to know about your RL cellulite or stretch marks, or that you think you need a boob job.  Likewise, there is no point coming here to recreate how you look in real life – Where is the fun in that?  I don’t want to have fat days in SL or have to worry about doing my hair (try taming) in the mirror.  That is not how I want to spend my free time.

So, how much is too much?  I think boundaries in SL are constantly being moved, especially as far as how much RL you allow into it goes.  It also largely depends on your RL situation. If I had a beard in RL I might be more coy but really I’m not going to lose sleep if someone on my RL Facebook page from SL spots a photo I’ve forgotten to untag that I think is hideous.  I really don’t have that much spare time on my hands…

Date: 22 August 2010

By: Josephina Bonetto

Written as a personal blog on Second Life dating in 2008, it was picked up via Facebook by Altamoda magazine (they called it Second Sex and the Sity due to trademarking fears).  Altamoda magazine later folded.

The column went on vacation while I wrote for The Looking Glass and Your Style SL magazines but now it is coming back in 2010 – Hence the new site.

Currently it holds archived content with new content coming shortly.  It was a bit of fun that ran for longer than expected and will run again.  I have included other articles I have written here as well.  The categories to the right show how they are divided up.

Josephina Bonetto

In my in-world travels this month I discovered that shopping in Second Life extends to finding a virtual date, and by that I don’t mean escorting either.

A casual browse in-world and out-world reveals a glut of dating agencies and websites geared towards the virtual dating scene. But what price tag does true love have these days for romance hungry avatars? One in-world dating agency charges a one off membership fee of 500L but there are others that offer free services or ad boards for nominal sums of 1L or 5L per week. I visited another two in-world agencies operating an interactive HUD based system, one was free with a 1L per message fee and the other cost 150L to buy.

So, what would the reasoning be behind joining an SL dating site? Sex? Shyness? Lack of in-world savvy? Old fashioned romance? I spoke to one guy, who had been in-world since 2008 and is fairly open in his profile about the notches in his virtual bedpost, listing them by first name in a dedicated profile pick. A self confessed former swinger he told me he had fallen into a trap in the past of dating married women in Second Life and playing a bedroom cameo role for existing virtual couplings. After meeting his current partner, on a Second Life orientated dating site, he decided to mend his self destructive ways and admitted to himself that he still harboured a long forgotten fantasy of meeting his real life partner in Second Life.

Still curious, I visited a larger virtual world dating site advertising 8500 members from 50+ countries and joined using the free, basic option. There is a pay-as-you-go basic option with 5 tokens costing 500L. Each token represents a connection with another member. Additional tokens can be earned by adding a pick to your Second Life profile. The other option is an unlimited one costing 1350L per month. Avatars are verified in-world and via email confirmation. I received a message from a guy a couple of hours after joining, an unlimited member, he quipped that avatars use the site “because they are too retarded to get laid”.

When presented with seemingly endless opportunity, a wide open space can feel stifling if you are unfamiliar with your own company, and are disinterested in working in-world. We all know people who are on their second and third virtual marriages, some people don’t want to live their Second Lives alone. If you are happy being single in Second Life it is very easy to judge those who can’t stand to be alone.  I was judgemental until I remembered that I own a nightclub with 400 members in my Second Life and was hit by the realisation that I haven’t been truly alone in my Second Life for 3-years.

Overall, I felt none of the prices charged for dating services were unreasonably high if that is what your avatar heart desires. Having spent 8,000L on peep toe, colour changing, stiletto heels in the not too distant past I am not in any position to comment on extravagant avatar spending habits

This month I am thinking about weddings. Virtual weddings. 2010 has got off to a bumper start already for me with two wedding invitations. One thing I have noticed in Second Life in relation to weddings – I have conducted one, hosted one, been bridesmaid at two and a guest at many – Is that taste, common sense, decency and money fly out of the window as soon as the “W” word is mentioned. A casual search of what venues are charging for wedding packages reveal it is quite the money spinner but what it does not show you is the blood, sweat and tears involved in co-ordinating the big day. You don’t believe me? I will give you a wildcard example of something you would not expect to see on any Wedding Planners shopping list. Private Detective.

A friend, we shall call her Olive, was recently contacted out-world about undertaking some “research” in relation to a ladies potential husband in-world. This lady basically wanted him background checked prior to marriage. Clearly, some Detective practices breach TOS but a cursory search of the classifieds will reveal it still goes on. Fidelity testing, also known as honeytrapping, is the most extreme length a woman (and a man) will go to in order to protect their virtual heart from breaking. So, is it psychotic or does it make sound romantic sense? In a world where life moves at a much faster pace than real life and people can achieve relative anonymity at the touch of a button, the stakes are high in the quest for virtual wedded bliss.

I attended a virtual wedding ceremony on Valentines Day. The seating provided for guests by the venue owner had no poses/animations in them, leaving the default object sit pose, which is ugly at best. Prices for wedding packages at this venue started at 4,000L increasing to 18,000L for the top of the range package. My friend had settled on the 8,000L package. I have always believed that when it comes to weddings, the devil is in the details. If the venue pays attention to quality and detail there will not be excessive lag caused by non listening scripted sit poses. At this same wedding the Officiate preceded his service with a request for guests to remove AOs and HUDs despite it now being accepted by anyone with slightly more than the most rudimentary Second Life knowledge that these attachments rarely, if indeed ever, cause lag. The myth is purely perpetuated by model agencies and the wedding venue Gestapo.

So, what about the dress? My friend paid 1,500L for hers, it was not to my taste but my opinion is irrelevant. A clothing designer friend charges between 1,000L and 1,500L for her creations. A dress I wore to my own wedding cost 150L (a prank). Dresses start at 1L and go all the way up to around 6,000L. Money in Second Life, much like Real Life, does not guarantee quality.  However, on the subject of appropriate wedding attire in Second Life I have a cautionary tale for you. I went to a lesbian wedding last week. I was dressed smartly wearing a skirt, matching top and boots but I was immediately messaged on my arrival by someone I can only assume belonged to the venue using the words “be formal”. No introduction, no “please”, and no dress code stated on the invitation (the brides were unaware such a code existed). When I refused I was ejected. I had already stated at the time of refusal I was leaving so the ejection was vexatious. But what is formal? I live in England and over here wearing a gown to a wedding would be in poor taste unless you are the bride or bridesmaid. Clearly, if you feel you wish to upstage the bride formal is the way to go.

What wisdom am I hoping to impart by telling you these wedding tales of woe? That romance is dead? Never! I have only one pearl of wisdom to share… Money can’t buy you love, happiness, class and certainly not STYLE.

Live it. Love it. But more importantly? Learn from it

While out and about in-world on 50L Friday with a friend we discussed what I was going to write for my Your Style column.  I may love to shop, but I am a long way from describing myself as a virtual fashionista.

This started me thinking about what makes a virtual fashionista.  I once wrote a version of my Second Sex and the City column for a fashion magazine.  Moreover, a fashion magazine tied to a modelling agency.  The agency endures, the magazine does not.  On the occasions I remembered to attend the editorial meetings, I realised there was a gulf between my interest in fashion and theirs the size of a small country.

I favour designers I know, choosing to buy from friends and associates first and foremost, if they have what I need.  I buy from others too, but because I like them and not because somebody somewhere tells me I should like them.  I can wax lyrical about a pair of heels in Second Life and the merits of buying that skin fat pack until the cows come home but I like to think that the average virtual world fashionista is capable of independent thought.

I twice entered a well known in-world model contest last year, once as an alt and once as myself.  Both times I was selected to be a showcase model for a week.  This meant I spent a week on the runway with other hopefuls.  This experience cemented my non-fashionista status.  I had entered my very own Twilight Zone.  A world where very bright and articulate women use their abilities in pursuit of the perfect pose, pay to go on modelling class after modelling class and passionately debate the six million dollar question – ZHAO or Balut?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not being disparaging to those living their dream but it does make me wonder how much these women could achieve if their applied their creativity to something more tangible, such as creating their own modelling AO, or setting up their own agency.  A friend passed me a notecard recently; it detailed a conversation between a modelling agency boss and a model looking to join his agency.  He charged a not insubstantial fee to join the agency but was willing t waive this fee for sex.  My friends’ interest in modelling waned shortly after and she can now be heard spinning the decks in nightclubs across Second Life.

The real beauty of Second Life is that it is constantly evolving and last week’s model can be next week’s designer.  While I feel pretty sure that none of us reading this magazine want to live a virtual life that is deeply entrenched in intellectual discourse over the merits of mono (if you think I mean the illness shame on you!), it is possible to have a passionate interest in fashion without being consumed by it.

If virtual living is not about the ending, but the journey, I choose to travel through my virtual life with style.  I make no apologies for that, and neither should you..